There's a F*cking Hair in the Mixed Nuts!

Phleming was not very happy yesterday morning when he was eating a handful of mixed nuts and so rightfully exclaimed, "Ewwww... there's a f*cking hair in the mixed nuts!" I asked, "Where is it?"and he answered, "I just pulled it out of my MOUTH!" He claimed he almost vomed at that very moment but I was too enamored by the live culture factor of my yogurt to realize the calamity of the situation. It wasn't until later in the afternoon that it occurred to me to ask him what kind of hair we were talking about. Now, you have to keep in mind that the plastic, Kirkland Signature, family sized jar of community (Fancy) mixed nuts that's in our office kitch is not the most sanitary of eating options. There are hands, eyes, plant guys and God only knows what else picking selected nuts out of that thing day and night. (Yes, someone has even spotted the plant guy, here forth referred to as Dif Plaguyee, because Sam Plaguyee either got fired or died, taking part in the delicious nut mix extravaganza.) It struck me that the type of hair we are discussing could really make the difference between pretty gross and vomitrotious Pastagina. He described the hair as long... "my length?" I asked, his response was an unequivocal nod. "and the color?" I asked, "blond." he replied. This is when it struck me... I had been leaning over the opened jar of mixed nuts on Friday! The interesting thing about it... he seemed relieved to know it was mine. It wasn't until four (or more) hours later that I had learned that my best friend/co-worker had chewed my hair with a variety of mixed nuts and had taken comfort in knowing it was mine, from my head and not a strangers from possibly the public (take out the l to break the code) region. I learned two very valuable lessons yesterday which I felt I should share with our loyal readers. A. #1. Don't lean over uncovered nuts that may end up in someone's mouth and B. #4. Always rinse your nuts if they are too salty as this will inadvertently wash away any unwanted hair. I'm gonna go get a handful of protein right now!

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